This coming week is my last week of classes this semester. Then, I have my final exams, and a long break before the spring semester. The end is in sight! 

Something that keeps me going, though, is the busyness of life at school. As much as I like to pretend (note: prima donna) that I am overwhelmed or exhausted by the hustle and bustle, it is my favorite way to be. 

Pressure is a privilege

Billie Jean King

A day in the life of a prima donna goes as follows:

And repeat. This is a very strict schedule, you see, and any deviations, even something that a normal person would see as “not a big deal,” renders me to an impatient, fussy, utterly dysfunctional state.

I require an ample night of beauty rest, a diligent attentiveness to my time spent practicing, and to wake up rather early, in order to do all that a girl like me has to do in a day.

If you have ever seen me in a state outside of my prime functioning, know that it was NOT meant to be that way. Furthermore, if you have ever been a cause for an abnormal moment, you shall NOT be forgiven.

I crumble at the slightest change in schedule. Tears galore if something does not go as planned. It takes me at least an entire day to recover from any routine inconsistencies. You may find yourself reading this and saying, “Bentley, it sounds like you need help.”

And to that I would scoff and remind you that the rest of the world simply needs to keep up!

There is something much worse than minor imbalances, though. I can hardly convey to you how I loathe having too much free time. What a different blog this would be had I started during lockdown…

I become restless. I become moody. I grow destructive. Explosive! Even just the thought of having too much free time gives me chills and makes my blood boil. AT THE SAME TIME! 

Just this week, even though I have finals to prepare for, my jury to get dressed for, (yes, it is more than that, but that part is JUST as important) studying to do, all on top of being a future prima donna, I STILL managed to have just enough free time that I was not sure what to do with myself. 

And, thus, I was plagued with a mini meltdown. 

I have not had a big one since coming to school, it has been more like a few fleeting moments of extreme brattiness. This time, though, I went down the anxiety spiral and even played my favorite game, the What If… game, and made sure to only go through the negative scenarios. 

Yup, that sure is my favorite part.

In this type of meltdown, I might even try to bring it onto someone else, which is even MORE fun!

This past week, it was my patient, caring, dear mother, to which she snapped me out of it, which sometimes is as simple as identifying it as that thing, the dark side to my inner diva, but it has been a long time coming that I have even been able to recognize it in the moment!

You may hold your applause until the end for this development.

Either way, life as a prima donna to be is as glamorous and rewarding as it is brooding and lamenting.

That is just how we like it, drama every second!

I would much rather have a meltdown from the exhaustion of productivity, which calls for a good cry and a good night of sleep, than of the sheer vacuousness of nothing.

What is nothing!!! Void of emotion and excitement, meaning and achievement! It is worthless and purposeless, nothing.

How are you supposed to plan for nothing?!?!

Though, another favorite line of my mother is “Save it for the stage.” I think she forgets that the world is my stage! 😉

Ever since I was little, even my weekends and time after school had a schedule! I have always preferred to appoint different times for different things. Planning just makes the world seem so right!

I was born to be a perfectionist!

And, although that means I sometimes take myself too seriously and live in a state of unattainable expectations and preparation, I would not have it any other way.

I also accept that I have to channel my drama into a few meltdowns every few months. Okay, maybe more like a couple of weeks… or days?

But, it is just how I am. I do not have a problem with being me!

I would say since coming back to school and regaining momentum and routine, I have had a much better time enjoying being my organized, busy self.

And, without me, how would you ever be graced so much as to know about the inner workings of such a fabulous mind? It takes madness to achieve excellence!

Now, if you would excuse me, instead of sitting around and lamenting nothing, I have some major consulting to do with my hair stylist for my upcoming jury performance.

Until next time!

XOXO